Thursday, January 22, 2015

.Purpose.

In Hope Floats, one of my all time favorite movies, Birdie's (played by Sandra Bullock) mother, Ramona says to her, "Look at me.  My life has no real meaning or direction or purpose, and I'm happy."

I think when we, as women, become mothers, we just assume a motherly purpose because we want to raise decent, hard working, kind human beings.  Our purpose to ourselves gets pushed to the back burner or even completely off the stove.  I am one of those believers that thinks time to myself as a person greatly and positively affects my child.  Because Wilder's father's schedule has never changed in the three years he's been alive, I now can tell every time when Wilder and I need a time out from each other.  Which was hard for me to admit.  I wanted to take on everything when it came to Wilder.  I didn't leave him alone with anyone until he was almost 11 months old.  I didn't trust Clint alone with him.  I dealt with it all.  Then, it came to a point where Wilder didn't trust anyone but me.  He would flip out if I left the room.  Mother was my purpose.  But, I saw the detriment.  I had offers to have some time to myself, from Clint, my mom, friends.  It wasn't fair to me or Wilder that I wouldn't give anyone else a chance to prove themselves, or give Wilder the chance to trust anyone.

Clint supported my blogging when I started.  It was a way to get me out of Mommy-mode and just be adult Casey.  He kept Wilder so I could go to meet-ups.  Gave me time to help plan a get together last year.  My mother would offer to keep Wilder overnight, just because that's what grandparents do.  All these factors got me to loosen the reins.  To remember that Casey, pre-motherhood, was lurking under the surface somewhere in there.


Divorce, though it sucks, has given my son more opportunities to spend with my sister.  She, her husband and daughter are watching him Saturday so Tj and I can go out.  It will be the first time they've watched him.  That might sound mean but really, it's just that I know sometimes he's crazy and he's doing the tantrum thing now and I don't want to put that on anyone.  Integrating a new man was a smoother transition than I expected as well.  He and Tj get along swimmingly, which has allowed me to try new things, like Zumba and going wine tasting, knowing that he's in excellent care.

I turned 27 last June.  I realized that it took me 27 years to take chances and say yes to new experiences.  To realize that I don't have to cut myself down to having one friend in case no one likes me, that I can have a community of multifaceted women I can call my friends.  If I get invited to try a new restaurant, I'm doing it.  Renovating a kitchen because I know I can, I'm doing it.  Raising a decent, hard working, kind human being, I'm hopefully doing it.  I don't think motherhood is my soul purpose.  I think experience is my purpose.  As many opportunities to experience whatever I can.  I think that's a good purpose.


2 comments:

Monica said...

Great post! I can relate for sure. Thanks for sharing!

Just Jinny said...

I struggled for a while with the question 'what am I going to be if I'm not going to be a mother?' I had no idea, for a long time. It's as if my entire identity hinged on having babies. I'm glad you have found a way to hold on to yourself as a woman, not JUST a mother.

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